Monday, April 11, 2011

cancer.


Is it wrong to tell my husband that when the time comes {which it is inevitable} that he's not allowed to die first?

Watching my Dad battle cancer has been like someone slowly tearing my heart apart one small piece at a time. Words are not enough to describe it. I've come to realize that pain and hurt are emotions which you don't turn on, and yet, you can't turn off. They just exist.

I know for me being the youngest child of three, I always wore the badge of pride that I am just like my Dad. So it seems logical that this undeniable anger over his sickness comes at me in tidal waves. Yet at the same time I know my faith in God Almighty has to remain steady unlike those same waves.

No matter the current diagnosis or the visible effects of the cancer upon my father's physical appearance, my question still remains the same....God can still heal him, right? My husband stays consistent in his answer. Yes.

I find that much of my sadness comes from remembering the strong dad I knew in contrast to the shocking reality of what's become of him. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, my heart is saddened by how he must feel-- nearly overcome with sickness day in and day out overwhelming his hope on certain days. I feel sadness for the fact that my Dad must go through this horrific disease. But my most intense moments of despair arise as my heart grieves the withering of the mighty, strong, capable, energetic, bigger than life, can do it all Dad that the cancer is taking away. As if the little girl in me is screaming, "I want him back-- Now!"

I would never share these thoughts with him because I know how it would bring a greater despair upon him because I am sure he feels the same. But I do know that God has given him 10 years battling this extremely painful cancer.

I think how blessed I am that he IS still here. Sounds selfish I know, but isn't that what we think about our earthly life...the now. How we forget about heaven. It becomes a struggle of my flesh to let go or to hold on and cry out for healing. And yes, I have even at times woken up in the middle of the night in sobs shaking my fist at God to heal my Dad RIGHT NOW. He could if he wanted to.....right?

Then I wonder if perhaps it's time for him to go home.

But I don't want to have faith that asks why, but the kind of faith that only trusts.





10 comments:

Kelly said...

Oh I am so sorry that your Dad has had such a painful battle with cancer... I lost my mom (when I was age 27) to colon cancer a year ago and you are indeed right - the worst part is seeing that oh-so-strong person become weaker and weaker as time goes by.

However, I am still with you in believing that God can still heal at any point! I'll pray for your Dad, and for you.

kay said...

Oh I feel your pain. I lost my Mom to cancer. She was a Christian and we knew she was ready to go. I always said as long as there was breath in her body I would pray for healing. The day came that I couldn't stand seeing her in pain and I bent down and whispered in her ear, it was okay for her to go with Jesus. It was hard but in a couple days she was gone to her heavenly home. I know she was waiting for me to say goodbye.
Only Jesus can get us through times like this. I KNOW I will see her again that is MY HOPE!
Hugs!

Laura said...

My dad has cancer too. He has only had cancer for 2 years and is close to 80 and very positive and that makes it easier. He has grown closer to God during this battle. I still have the image that he is invincible and remember how safe I always felt when he comforted me with a hug. He is a big man and always faced life head on.

thechattymommy said...

Praying for you and your dad of course, but I can't help but think of the beautiful legacy of prayer you are giving your children. Praying for your Dad to get healed, thanking the Lord for his life and praying for strength for yourself and your family.
Your children hear all of this and grow in the Lord because of it.
I can't believe your father has had this disease for 10 years and you have 8, children 10 and under!

Praise God your father has been able to see each one of your precious children! How amazing.
I love the pictures you show of your Dad and I pray he is around for a long time and that the Lord heals him.

Marla Grace said...

OH WENDY!My heart aches for you. Hugs my dear friend. I have watched many of my Dads friends go through the same thing. Cancer is awful. I could not imagine if it were my Dad. Hang in there! Sorry!

The Mama said...

Thank you for this very deeply felt post. I find it especially interesting to consider if this is how my own children might feel as I have been battling stage 4 colon cancer for six years now. Might these same thoughts be theirs? I am in a continual struggle between my yearning for Heaven and being the mama He has blessed me in being. Obviously, you shed great light on perception from "the other side". Being one in a similar position as your father, perhaps you might consider sharing these deep heart feelings of yours with him. Too often, those around me want to keep me happy, yet I'd really cherish knowing the value I have in their life. I'll be praying for you and your father and this very difficult journey you both are enduring. May our precious Heavenly Father comfort you moment by moment.

Mrs.Rabe said...

Wendy,

I am praying for you now, that God will comfort you.

Enjoy the time you have with him, and share your precious children with him. What blessings they are for him.

Casondra said...

From the perspective of being the one who had cancer, at times, I think it was harder on my husband and my children than it was me. Sure I felt the physical tiredness, the pain from surgeries, I even had questions. But I knew if I didn't make it through, I would be in a place of no more heartache and dispair. My loved ones would be the ones left behind, wondering why it happened.

Thankfully, I got through three surgeries and radiation, and am healthy today, but it was very hard to look into the faces of my four, little children on those days when I was so sick, and know how scared they were.

Hold tight to your faith. God will meet you in your questions, your fears, your doubts, and your pain.

MrsVega said...

WOW! This post is reminiscent to me of all the emotions I felt when my sister was in her last few years of her battle with cancer. YES, He is a strong, merciful and graceful God that can heal at any moment, should it be His will. And YES, it is so difficult to understand in our flesh why it is that healing does not come when we have prayed so hard for it; it is so hard to understand and accept God’s will sometimes, but it is His will that must be done not ours. Celebrate through the pain, all of the wonderful moments you have had with your dad (and those you still have), and know that if it is not the Lord’s will to bring healing that He has a greater plan to bring your father peace and comfort. Be blessed.

Marilyn said...

I took care of my mother when she was battling breast cancer... She passed into Gods arms on Dec. 6th of 1996 at the ae of 64.
I was angry at God...Oh Boy was I...but you become another person after being part of this. You become more accepting of life & death & even though you don't want to or think you can't let go God will give you the strength to do so at the right time.
My prayers will be for your father & all your family....
Love,
Marilyn