Sunday, September 18, 2016

sunday's child.


Sweet Tallulah.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

it's me again.


I’m alive and well. 

Much healing on my heart has started and yet, at the same time, it can be torn away all too quickly. The wound becomes reopened and the process starts all over again. 

I’ve stayed in places and with people who make me feel safe since my heart has been so vulnerable. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t ache recognizing the hole I have for Sunday. 

Jace has very much been a huge salve for my heart. I am very thankful that he hasn’t outgrown his baby-ness— that he still needs and wants his (hurting) Mama. 

I will admit that I’ve been super busy on a daily basis raising eleven children, homeschooling them and supporting them in all their activities. 

I appreciate the fact that their needs occupy both my mind and a lot of my time, since I am the type of person who has the tendency to dwell in the hurt letting the sadness overtake me. And when those moments do come, I realize that it’s ok, that it’s part of the scar which begins to heal over the brokenness. 

All of that to say: I need to start writing here again. For my children. To record our life. Our memories. Our days. 

After I delivered Sunday, I had so much pouring out of my heart and I wanted to write down each thought, each feeling, each memory of her. But I didn’t. It was too hard to turn the computer on and write. I was too weary and broken. Damaged. But I am finding God all over again and in a new way. An even more personal way. 

So here I am, ready to share my family, my life and our days again. And maybe I’ll find the strength to share about my daughter who I lost while I was 5 months pregnant. A daughter I would be holding next month if she hadn’t passed away. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

summer vacation.


Chris made me go on a family vacation {against my will}. Something we already had planned for almost a year. So thankful for a husband who knows best. Loving the time with my tenacious man, my fun kiddos and very hot weather.

Monday, July 4, 2016

2016 Fourth of July.



Today I'm very thankful for my family. For our country. I'm thankful for those who selflessly give their lives and future for us to be free. I'm thankful for my faith, for my faith is my anchor. I'm thankful for my children. For both those here on earth and those already in heaven, I am so blessed. I'm thankful for my husband. Someone I only dreamt existed. I'm thankful for grace, for it's more than I could ever deserve. I'm thankful for sunshine. Back porches. Flower gardens. Green grass. I'm thankful for all my little baby animals. They also help my healing heart. I'm thankful for friends and strangers who care about my hurting mommy heart. I'm thankful for kind words. Today I'm thankful.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Friday, July 1, 2016

missing someone.


I know that people mean well—but one thing you can’t say to a mommy who’s lost a child, a newborn or given birth to a baby who went home early— is to be glad for the ones she has. 

While that may be true….to me that is the equivalent of asking which one of my kids I could bear to be without. 

Sunday, June 19, 2016

chris.


This Father's Day is certainly not the same for you this year. Our hearts hurt and we are in the middle of troubled times. But we have each other. Together we have Jesus.

I love you, Chris.

God always had a plan. Us being together was always His plan. And with all our beautiful children whom you love with every piece of you.

Happy Father's Day to the most patient, strong, selfless, gracious, faithful, loyal, persevering, God-fearing, handsome, fun person I have ever known.

May God always bless and protect you all the days of your life.

You're my LOVE!!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

06/17/16


Thank you so much to everyone for your prayers and blessed words of encouragement.

On June 17th, 2016, at 5:13am, I delivered our beautiful daughter, Sunday Brave.

And yesterday, shortly after, Chris and I said our goodbyes to the little baby daughter we loved and prayed for so much.

The pain of her absence is at times unbearable, but our Hope in Jesus that we will see her again is much stronger.

It has to be, in order for the healing to begin.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

sunday's child.


An ultrasound picture of Sunday Brave on Sunday.
The doctor gave her till 20 weeks and a bad report of fluid
filling many parts of her little body.
I'm now 20 weeks and 3 days....
He was surprised that her heart was still beating. 
She has now been given 4 more weeks to live. 
No matter the outcome, there is hope.
Hope for a miracle or the hope she will be with Jesus. 
Even though my heart breaks everyday for her sick little body,
I love her and I am blessed to be her Mommy.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

yesterday's appointment.


Yesterday when I walked into the doctor’s office for Sunday’s heartbeat appointment, I was sure I would only hear bad news. 

The office was unusually slow and Chris and I were the only ones in the waiting room— even the tv with the home improvement channel was turned off. It felt awkward and I didn’t want to be there. 

The nurse who I usually see walking around was nowhere to be seen and I waited a little longer than I normally do. I began to wonder why. Everything felt a little off. 

When the nurse finally appeared and called my name she wasn’t smiling and I wasn’t smiling. I did try and make a joke since I sensed her nervousness by saying, “I know we both don’t want to be doing this.” She normally looks Chris and I in the eyes and smiles, but not this day. 

I immediately went into the exam room and she asked if I wanted to get weighed like normal and I told her, “Not today I just want to make this fast and get out of here.” I noticed that she was very hesitant in all she was doing. 

Suddenly, the extremely kind midwife who I mentioned in an earlier post popped out of nowhere and said it was her turn to do the heartbeat check. Now— for these appointments, I’m only scheduled to see one of two nurses so it was kind of unusual that the midwife (although I was very glad) was going to check for the heartbeat. 

She was very sweet and asked how I was doing. She told me that the only thing I could do is handle it the best way I know how and so on. I shared with her that finding the heartbeat has become more difficult with each week and that I’ve been feeling very little movement. 

However, when she placed the doppler on my stomach, we immediately heard a strong regular heartbeat. I couldn’t believe it. I silently cried. Sunday’s heartbeat was even a normal rate. Usually it’s high. Not sure if that even means anything. 

I mentioned how I had feared and was sure the baby had passed away last Friday. I just had a bad feeling. It was based on fear. 

She was very happy for me and shared that Kristin, my nurse was scared today, too. Now I understand why it was the midwifes turn; She was just helping out a concerned nurse. 

As I left the office my nurse was at the front desk and I noticed her searching the midwifes’ face for the result of the heartbeat check. There was another patient in front of me so when I caught her eye and she turned to me I whispered, “She’s still alive.” 

My nurse quickly gave me a quiet hug, smiled and showed me that she had goose bumps she was so happy. I told her I couldn’t believe it and I think I found a little hope again. 

All the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking, “I can’t believe it.” Then the pessimist in me said, “Well, she still isn’t 20 weeks. Not until Thursday.” I just hate that voice of doubt which you know just isn’t from God. But you sometimes listen to it. And think. 

But I know this— that she’s still alive, her heart is still beating, she might have a chance. And if she doesn’t, then I’m getting more time with her than I was supposed to. And I count that as a blessing.