Friday, March 12, 2010

understanding & more answers.


All of the following is JMOPO.....
I was one of five children...of parents who could not even afford 2 kids....and it was not a lot of fun being the poorest family in our neighborhood.
No vacations, no nice clothes to wear to school..I had to wear my brothers hand me down sisters ( TOO large hand me down clothes )....the beat goes on.
All our friends and neighbors were only 1 of two chidlren or 2 of 3 at the most..and they had lots of toys and a bike and rollers skates, NEW shoes and clothes when needed...etc..which we 3 younger children NEVER did.
To be perfectly honest, I always felt parents were tired, cranky, and did not have time for all our needs and our FAIR share of their attention.
Being number 4 of 5...I needed more attention than most I am guessing.
The baby ALWAYS gets the most attention it seems, BUT my mother was pregnant again when I was only 9 months old..SO I never remember any extra special attention as "the baby".

My REAL QUESTION would simply be this...if something happend to YOU ( mother) WHO would raise all those children the WAY you would want them to be raised ?

I use to have nigtmares about that when I was all my grandparents were much older and not always in the best of health..and could not afford to raise all of us either.
In fact, 2 of my grandparents lived WITH us.....well, more accurately was THEIR HOUSE...WE LIVE WITH THEM !!! was a houseful to say the least.

JMOPO again.... THIS DAY AND AGE.. a child NEEDS at LEAST a College education to compete in this world.

Even Community College is nowhere near free.

Mother of three, grandmother of 3.
Respectfully, Rose

Dear Sweet Mother of almost 8. Please feel free to delete my post if you I said, it is just my own personal opinion and personal experiences I was experssing here.

You have beautiful children, and a loving family environment... ...and I wish you the very, very best in the choices you are making for your family.

And I TRULY did not mean to offend you.

Dear Rose,

(By the way, I love your name and it's at the top of my list should #8 be a girl!) I guess the first thing I would say is that I'm sorry. I truly am. I'm sorry that in your family, you did not receive the necessary love and care-- emotionally, physically, and spiritually-- that every child needs and desires.

As far as materially things are concerned, my kids are probably a lot closer to being spoiled than neglected. They have toys and bikes and games and on and on. As a matter of fact they have too much. We are a blessed family. We have so many clothes and things that I am constantly having to "prune" our tree. And the stuff we give away (to the thrift store or other friends and families in the church) isn't exactly junk. There's a few Biblical principals that we as a family have followed and have seen at work in our lives: tithe and give offerings at your church and God will bless you greatly (read Malachi 3 in the Bible), and the principle that a man will reap what he sows. If you give generously, God will be generous to you. Not only does my husband work a full-time job, but we, as a family, have given our lives to our church and doing God's work-- the result has been that God has given back to us even more than we need. People give us clothes, new bicycles, food, money-- all kinds of things and not just once or twice, but many times. Someone just recently gave us a new washer and dryer (@ $1500), but we gave them away because we didn't really need them and it was the right thing to do. My kids have so many bikes, scooters and tricycles that they don't even know what to do with them all. This is not bragging-- this is just making clear the testimony of God's blessing in our lives.

Getting enough attention... I don't know what to say except perhaps you should look through my blog and carefully look at the faces of my children. They are loved and they know it. You can see it in their faces and anyone who comes into contact with them knows it immediately.

Who will take care of them should something happen to you?... We belong to a great church family which consists of many families which have nearly identical values as we do. My brother and my husband's brother would take our kids in an instant if we were no longer there, and the truth is, I think they'd do a wonderful job. There are even non-biological church family members that I would trust with them as well. In the case of a tragedy, the situation would be difficult no matter what, which is why our complete trust is in our Heavenly Father. Whether you have 1 child or 8, the loss of parents is not something you could plan for or anticipate. My husband does have a sizeable life insurance plan covering him, but his belief is that it'll never be used!

What about college?...This seems to be a big problem with people and I've already answered it previously, but here it goes again... We could definitely afford sending them to community college and if they did well, they could then transfer to a four year school. My husband has been teaching both in private and public schools for the past 13 years and has seen many kids do exactly that. Do we really think that it's a parent's duty to pay for their child's entire college education? What about medical or law school? Is that included too? Do you know how many doctors graduate from med school saddled with nearly $100,000 out in educational loans? How many lawyers have similar debt from school? The answer is: most, if not nearly all. My husband and his brother graduated from two of the best schools in the country and when they left, they both had loans out of @ $50,000. They paid for them. Their dad could only pay so much. Do you really think that education is a guarantee of a better life, or his having great character and having Jesus in one's heart more important in determining success? Let me tell you now-- it's not the first option for sure.

Do you know that God can heal all those hurts from your past in an instant? Do you know that He can bring you a joy and a love that nothing on this earth can give you? Rose-- all this stuff is not about family size, it's about the true power and love of God being made real in your life. It's there for everyone who desperately wants it.



Krystal said...

Way to be! I love it!

As for the college thing: I paid for my own (well...I'm PAYING for my own, lol). I went to community college for my gen eds (and I DID go for free! At least here in the midwest, if your parents don't make a lot of money on paper, you can get LOTS of grants!) then onto nursing school. I "only" have an associates degree, but it's all I need to work in my chosen field. Basically, I'm saying that kids can pay their own way, and they'll probably be all the better for it!

Marilyn said...

Here is my story....I came from money. My family was one of the founding families of the town I live in. They owned many very sucessful businesses here & still do. I had dolls & toys & bikes & clothes ...BUT.....There was no love in my family. The only ones who showed me love were my grandparents & they died when I was 12. I was allowed to run free like a little animal. I was literally beaten by a drunken step-father & too many other things to even want to talk about.
So you see.... I would have given up all the money for the poorest family in town that at least loved their children.
God gave me a loving husband & I am very fortunate for that. Life does equalize & things do work out!!

Kathi said...

Very well, and lovingly said.I think Rose will be blessed by your kind answers.

kay said...

Hi you are so kind to Rose. It is so hard for people to understand that as Christians we have Christ as our example. My DH and I always wanted 2 or 3 children but only have one here and the other two are in heaven. I don't always understand Gods ways but I trust him. He works ALL things for our good. I was raised in a family of six kids with godly, loving parents, it was the best.
Just keep telling your story and God will continue to use you.

thechattymommy said...

I love this post! It brought tears to my eyes!

The Mama said...

What a beautiful reply delivered in love! I'd sure like to "borrow" some of this for those who have the same issues regarding my "little" family of seven!! May I?? :)

Lori said...

Oh Wendy, I have to respond very honestly. I was the youngest of efour and vry lonely as a child, a nine year gap between my sister and Ia.I am now fifty, my parents and siblings are all deceased, relatives and grandparents too. All I have are my children. I would give anything to have my family, I would give anything to HAVE HAD a larger one. I had tons of toys, clothes, but a unbearable loniless, far more now! College, I'm withyou on all you said! I do not know when it began parents but I do not feel its a parents responsibility to pay for higher ed, I'm attending now and pay my own, plus governmental aid and scholarships are out there!Please know that God will always be there, as will all your friends. Sending to you today my admiration, love and blessings! Your a remarkable mother dear one, Lori

Kendra said...

Why do so many modern moms and dads think it's the parents' sole responsibility to pay for their kids' college education! That is not our job as parents. We should teach them to be hard work, responsible people, not to expect handouts and free rides. They can earn scholarships, get loans, work, do whatever they can. I get so frustrated sometimes with people judging large families or families who budget their finances not around squirreling away money for their kids' college fund. If my children want to go to college, they can work hard in school and earn their way, just like I did. (I'm 35 and paid my own way through college and grad school with scholarships and loans, and had my loans paid off within 4 years of graduating.)

Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful response! We get the "but how are you going to pay for their college" question all the time. Society puts such an emphasis on college degrees - not that there's anything wrong with them. But in the end I think it's more important to raise our children to be Godly men and women who love Jesus - in whatever vocation God calls them - whether they have a college degree or not. BTW, I love your new family picture! Very sweet.


Tami said...

again i am impressed and humbled by your wisdom.
see my blog for a little something :)

kristin said...

Very interesting for me to read. I am oldest daughter of a family of 11 children (3 older brothers). I don't believe one of us doubted for a day, the great love we had from our parents and siblings. My parents accepted each precious baby as a wonderful gift from God and the kids couldn't have been more excited each time there was a new baby.

We were also poor, but I didn't know we were until I was all grown up. We were rich in love. We lost mom in death when I was 15 and my youngest sister was 2 years old. I became 'mom' to my siblings, taking over many of the household chores-making meals, washing clothes, etc. for our family of 12. I've never regretted staying there and taking care of them for many years. I then went on to private college that I paid for on my own as I was working, and graduated with high honors.

I've so enjoyed your blog and am so excited when I see large families and see them accepting children as they come as a gift of God. Yes, I can see how loved your children are and I can see they know of that love.

Thank you for allowing me the honor of following your blog.

Rose ~Victorian Rose ~ said...

I too am humbled by your is TRULY wonderful when parents like yourselves can have a family this size ( or any size) and have all the love and spiritual support and material "things" you NEED ...and thensome.
That is the very best any child can hope for... is to have GODLY parents who really WANT them and CHERISH them.
That is lacking in the lives of so many of the "unwanted" children in this world.
And you are right about spiritual healing ..and GOD has been working in my life...but I am just a harder "nut to crack" than most I guess.
I am fortunate that my siblings and I all still comminicate and do love each other..however, we are not really terribly CLOSE... both in location and/or emotionally..because there was always SO much strife and tension in our home when we were growing up, and it caused a lot of issues with us children too.
You were sweet to take so much of your precious time to comment back to me. I thank you for that.
I pray that you, your husband and your family will be as happy later in life as you are this minute. You seem to have a handle on it for sure.

We too had to work for our college education...and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I only went for the first year and then met and married my first husband. Who too ( unfortunately) turned out to be very abusive. So life has not always been all that great for me in the long haul. After 9 years..and three children...I had to leave him because he was not only abusive, but cheated on me with my best friend.
About 10 years later...I lost my oldest daughter to a heart condition when she was 17 years old...and that truly about killed me both spiritually and physically.
A few years later I developed Fibromyalgia and had to close my business and had NO income for over 7 years, until Social Security kicked in.
Altho I am a has OFTEN been a real stuggle for me to "feel" the love of my HEAVENLY Father in my life...but I KNOW in my heart HE does love me, but not having had a loving, trustworthy EARTHLY father... it has been harder for me to comprehened it.
I had since met and married a wonderful man, who has been the love of my life...for over 40 years now.
Please, if I could ask this... pray for me and others like me...for the resolution and healing of this "emptiness " in our hearts for the loving parents we never had... (which has plagued me so much of my life.)
Thank you again for you sweet comments and for your wisdom and caring attitude.
Your children are indeed MOST fortunate.


P.S. Please forgive my mistyping, really tired now.

Katrina said...

Wonderful post.

I get comments/concerns like this as well. I don't have harsh feelings towards people like Rose who ask respectfully and give their own personal experiences. I do not like, however, when people pass judgement on me without even having a *clue about what they are talking about. Bravo, Rose, for being so respectful with your comments and questions.

We have nine children and there is NO WAY we can afford to send them all to college. We CAN pay for them to attend community college to get their GED, but then once they go further than that, they will have to get grants, scholarships or student loans. We expect our kids to go to school AND work at the same time. My husband put himself through the fire academy that way, and paramedic school. He worked, studied and went to school. It can be done. If there is a true desire to succeed, it can be done. It's a good probability that not all of my nine children will want a 4 year college. Some may graduate high school and go straight into a trade school, while others will choose to take the community college route for two years and then transfer to a four year college, and still others might choose to work right out of college and take online courses. Or maybe a few will go to community college, meet their soul mate and choose to marry and be a homemaker like myself. No one way is perfect for everyone. I was raised with one sister by a single mother. My sister went straight from high school into a four year college and then went on to earn her Master's Degree. She was very career minded and motivated, so this was in her personality from the beginning. Once she earned her Masters, she got married, and now has two small boys and is pregnant with her 3rd baby and she does not work but chooses to be home with her kids full time. I, on the other hand, went to a community college after high school without any goal...just passing the time while I decided what I wanted "to be" -- when truth be told, all I wanted to be was a wife and mother! I did 3 semesters at a community college, then went into a court reporting school (which I paid for with my own money from the job I had) and I went to that school for 3 years. I got married in my second year, had my first baby at the end of the 3rd year...and never went back to finish. It just wasn't that important to me.

As far as who would take care of my kids if I should pass away suddenly -- luckily for me I have a sister who loves my kids and her and her husband are awesome parents, and she has agreed to take them on should anything happen to me and my husband. We have good life insurance so that they would be able to do so without financial ruin.

We trust in God to provide for what we truly "need" -- I would rather have more children than "things" and my kids know that. A new baby means we won't fly to Maui for vacation, but guess what? We can still take a pretty cool road trip to a National Park in our motorhome. It's all about the attitude and the memories you make. Our kids never go without -- they have plenty of love and attention, and more than enough things. I know of so many families with just two children and those kids never see their parents because both are working full time provide for all their "things" and their future college funds -- when they might not even choose to go to college! Imagine working day in and day out in an office away from your kids all day for the majority of their childhood just to save for their future college tuitions...and then they decide not to go to college, or they do go to college but later drop out. I think I might be very resentful of that, thinking of all that time I put in saving and working while I missed out on being home. Time that you can never get back. I don't know...for me, I'd rather let the adult child take the initiative and if they want college bad enough, then we can figure out a way to get them there.

Sorry this is so long!

Mercy said...

I know what you mean about the Lord's supply. I grew up in a family of 8 and my parents were missionaries. We never had a lot of money but we never went without. People would give us good stuff all the time and sometimes we didn't know what to do with it.