Friday, June 3, 2016

thinking about her.


This morning while I was in the shower, I began wondering what God was going to do about my little baby, Sunday. 

It was kind of like having a conversation, but I was really just telling God that I was wondering if He was going to heal my little one and show all the doctors and all the other unbelievers the great miracles He still performs. Showing them that He is indeed real. 

Or has He already decided upon a time that she will pass away to be with Him and that this is merely a journey upon which I have something to learn. Just me. Teaching me. Not a punishment but rather something He wants to do in my life that I am completely unaware of. 

I try to stay busy with my children, my new backyard animals, the garden, home projects, being a team mom for Parker’s football team. Spending a lot of time with Chris and just trying to feel safe in a time of uncertainty. But it doesn’t work. 

As I hose down the back patio, I’m thinking about her. While I’m cuddling Jace watching Chris build the chicken coop, I’m thinking about her. While I plan football fundraisers, I’m thinking about her. Sleeping restlessly, I awaken thinking about her. 

When I first got the news, I would wake up and suddenly remember that this was really happening. But now, my first thoughts are: “Is she still alive today?” 

Sometimes when I’m in my backyard, I am carried away for a moment long enough to enjoy life and my children, but it is short-lived. I suddenly feel sick to my stomach and remember this pregnancy isn’t suppose to end well. And I just die inside. Wanting it to just go away. Not Sunday. Just this death sentence the doctors gave her.

6 comments:

Marilyn said...

I have followed you and your little family for years now and I am so very sad that you are having this difficult time when your heart should be so joyful. This time is very precious because at this moment you have your little Sunday Brave to love and enjoy and you won't want to miss a moment of that. Wrap your arms around her and assure her of your love and don't let the doubt and fear rob you of that. (I know she is in eutro, but that's a precious time to bond with her). Bless you and your little daughter and enjoy the time you have with her.

STL inker said...

i don't have word of wisdom...but we have God's word. i know you lean on them, they will provide you with comfort, please and understanding of His will for Baby Sunday.
xoxo

Tesha Papik said...

Your amazing, I so admire your love for all your children. Sunday is so blessed to have a mommy that adores her so. Praying for a miracle!!!

Delilah Medina said...

I'm sorry

Andrea L. said...

Just sending you love and praying this Sunday for your Sunday. xoxo

Nikki said...

I think about you each and every day. So happy that little Sunday has so many that already love her. No matter the outcome she is still your miracle. :) I can almost feel the lump in your throat with you. What a precious gift you have been given.