Saturday, October 1, 2011

grieving.



When my Dad first passed away, I didn't have those dreams that everyone talked about having after losing an important person in their lives. I wanted to have them, to have something so badly that I even prayed that God wold give me dreams about my Dad.

I thought it would be the closest thing to being near him. Nothing happened.

But things did start happening in our family-- some milestones passed which I blogged about (you can read here). And just like that....I began to dream about my Dad. Every night. Though he seemed to be deteriorating before my very eyes in each successive dream. Weaker and weaker each time. The dreams would nearly always start where he's healthy and strong and with me following him, but after many nights, he had become very sick and too weak to walk. And in the dreams near the end, I am carrying him.

By the other night, my dreams were no longer a frail source of comfort for my grief, but had become a harassing spirit. I was looking at an old screen which entirely filled my view and live portraits of my Dad were playing continuously on the screen.

But I didn't want to see them anymore or watch anymore; I wanted the old time picture to just end. I felt like a captive, bound to a chair, and forced to watch a screen for days on end. In my dream, I was begging for it to stop. However, I realized in my dream that I could pray. So I prayed that the images would stop and I awoke, crying and feeling like someone had injected a large amount of sugar into my body. An overdose. I was restless for hours unable to return to sleep.

I guess I had gotten an answer of sorts.
I was holding onto something I needed to let go.
I needed to let him rest.

Though my flesh knows he's gone, my mind tries to pretend he's still alive.

Accepting the truth sometimes is more than just a choice, it requires an all out effort. And sometimes it seems too difficult. I even question whether it's something I can even do... or will it just happen on its own.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

I am so sorry to hear about the grief you are dealing with. My mom has been gone a year and a half now (I lost her at age 27) and some days it feels like the grief is still so raw and fresh. I can tell you that as time continues to go by, you will find that you remember him healthy more than you remember him during his sick times. Sad memories gradually begin to be filled with the good. But no matter what, I think we always will miss our parent. Blessings to you.

thechattymommy said...

Praying for you as you walk through this.
My husband and his parents are going through the same thing over the loss of my brother-in-law.

true blessings said...

Hi Wendy,I'm sorry ...I hope you are comforted...and I know this has nothing to do with your post topic,but i actually dreamed you this morning.that I was babysitting for you and I believe it was a girl,and the reason I was babysitting was because you were at the hospital in labor for your 10 th child...now isnt that soemthing.. God bless you

Leanne said...

Though I still have both of my parents, my mom and step dad, I am going through a death of sorts with them, and that's their sudden rejection of and hatred toward me and my family and them turning away from us, and it feels like death.

And I've experienced grief and sorrow, and so I can identify with your emotions as if they were my own.

Your family, though we have never met, has touched my heart! My family will be praying for you diligently. That is what the Body of Christ is for.

Take care.

Kim said...

Praying for you and your loss. God will get you through...grieving takes time and I think it comes and goes...I know for myself, I can be fine for years and then grieve again over a lost family member....it takes time. Praying...

Sophie said...

I understand how difficult it is and the pain you're feeling. My brother died 12 yrs. ago and my dad 2 1/2 yrs. ago. Tonight I stopped by my mom to clean for her, she's visiting my brother for the week, and I saw some of my dad's suits hanging in the closet.

I buried my face into them and just sobbed.

You never stop missing them, the pain does subside eventually, just give it time.

Praying for you as you walk through this.

kay said...

I'm praying for you. I too lost my dad 23 years ago but just 3 years ago my mom. It's SO hard and I NEVER stop misssing them. When something good or bad happens in my life I still wish I could pick up the phone and share it with my mom. I take GREAT comfort that I WILL spend eternity with them, they were both Christians. "We grieve not as those who have no hope". HUGS